Ograblenie po…

OK, good—run and watch this on YouTube before it is removed for copyright reasons!

• Part 1: American-styled robbery
• Part 2: French-styled robbery
• Part 3: Italian-styled robbery
• Part 4: …-styled robbery (Untitled, Soviet)

This is one of the best Soviet animation films. It wonderfully parodies the styles of film in the respective countries. You don’t need to know any Russian to watch it. (There’s very little dialogue in it, and the version on YouTube has translation for all of it! Thank you, whoever you are.) I don’t need to add much more, you can read the rest in Wikipedia.

This film was shown very often on the Soviet TV. After i saw it many times, the censorship was quietly lifted from the final part, which parodies Soviet crime comedies and i remember very well how surprised i was when i saw it for the first time.

Proto-DRM

From the article “dictionary” in Encyclopedia Britannica online – my emphasis:

The corporation records of Boston, Lincolnshire, have the following entry for the year 1578: That a dictionarye shall be bought for the scollers of the Free Scoole, and the same boke to be tyed in a cheyne, and set upon a deske in the scoole, whereunto any scoller may have accesse, as occasion shall serve.

Notice that the town hall or something similar cares about the education of the children that grow and orders to get them all a dictionary, so they may have accesse to it, but to tye it in cheyne.

This is not really the same kind of rights management as the modern DRM, because it isn’t done to prevent copying, but probably to prevent the stealing of the physical book, which is understandable. But it is funny to see that it is tied to a chain whereunto any schooler may have access, much like in the title of the excellent soviet movie “Welcome, or No Trespassing“.

Rock musician Moore dies

If i would see such a headline, i would immediately read it, ‘cuz i would have thought about Thurston.

Now if i see on BBC the headline “Dave Matthews Band founder dies”, what am i supposed to think? Who would be the founder of, eh, Dave Matthews Band? Dave Matthews, maybe?

Well, no—it’s LeRoi Moore, a founding member of the Dave Matthews Band.

Such headlines are very common on Russian news websites. They would say something like “Shocking: Super-Model Larisa Kuznetsova is no more!!!” to make people click the link expecting to read a yellowish report about the death of a super-model, but the article would actually tell that she decided to pursue a career in accounting. Or: “Alla Pugacheva burned alive!!!”. And indeed, some woman whose name is Alla Pugacheva, but not the famous singer, was burned alive in a fire in her house. (Sadly, that’s a true story.)

Well of course, when the band saxophonist dies and not the singer, it’s still a tragedy for his family, but such headlines do mislead (human) news readers. This is not cynicism, this is media commentary. Russian news websites are crap; but the BBC followed them.

The party finds you

I always say that in elections people have to vote. It’s a shame that i don’t have Russian citizenship. The TV there is so full of crap, that there’s no need to fake the vote count in favor of the current ruling party, so my influence wouldn’t be too great, but anyway – votes are great.

But who would i have voted for? To be sure, i took a personality test.

The answer, apparently, is too obvious:

According to the test my party is The Union of Right Forces, a.k.a. SPS (see also Wikipedia). It is not “right” in the nationalistic sense, but in the liberal-democratic-capitalist sense¹. Of course, SPS has a very slim chance of getting into the Duma, but i suppose that i would have voted for them anyway.

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¹ Ever heard of the Russian Reversal? The party whose name is “Liberal-Democratic” (Flash; see also Wikipedia) professes an ideology, which is populist and mildly national-socialist.

Chuckle

I took a bus from Jerusalem to Haifa for the first time in three years.

A couple of cute teen age American Haredi girls were standing in the aisle, chuckling. After a few moments i understood why: There was one free seat next to a guy. Now, the awkward problem: None of them would sit there, ‘cuz their Haredi education doesn’t allow them to sit next to men. I wouldn’t sit there, ‘cuz my Soviet Russian education doesn’t allow me to sit when there’s a woman standing.

So the seat remained empty.

Vladimir

If you type владимир (vladimir) in Google and let it guess the popular queries, then Vladimir Putin is second and Vladimir Vysotsky is first.

Thank God.

Made Me Cry – Misha

Moscow 1980 – Farewell, Misha (Flash)

In Soviet Russia the good things were very good.

In Soviet Russia the big things were BIG.

Yesterday i saw a child walking with a big colorful balloon and imagined him flying to the sky. And it reminded me of Misha – the mascot of 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow.

Very few of the people who grew up in the Soviet Union won’t at least shed a tear when seeing the finishing ceremony of that olympiad. Its high point was “saying goodbye to Misha”, as he was released into the sky holding onto colorful balloons to the sounds of a sad farewell song. Everybody in Russia remembers the song. More than this, this is The Great Unifying Moment of post-Stalin Russia, comparable to 9/11 and Kennedy assassination.

So watch this movie. Don’t miss Misha himself shedding a tear at 0:47.

If this movie doesn’t make you cry, then you’ll never really understand anything about Russia.

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Here’s the song. Lyrics – Nikolai Dobronravov, music – Aleksandra Pakhmutova. My translation is lousy, but i tried to make it rhyme; improvements are welcome. Website of the authors with links to music files is here: До свиданья, Москва.

На трибунах становится тише… Тает быстрое время чудес. До свиданья, наш ласковый Миша, Возвращайся в свой сказочный лес. Не грусти, улыбнись на прощанье, Вспоминай эти дни, вспоминай… Пожелай исполненья желаний, Новой встречи нам всем пожелай. Пожелаем друг другу успеха, И добра, и любви без конца… Олимпийское звонкое эхо Остаётся в стихах и в сердцах. До свиданья, Москва, до свиданья! Олимпийская сказка, прощай! Пожелай исполненья желаний, Новой встречи друзьям пожелай. припев: Расстаются друзья. Остаётся в сердце нежность… Будем песню беречь. До свиданья, до новых встреч.

The stadium stands are getting quiet… Time of miracles is melting away. Farewell to you, our tender Misha, Go back home to your wood of fairy tales. Don’t be sad, give a smile before the parting, And recall these good days, please recall… Wish us all the fulfillment of wishes, Wish a new meeting soon to us all. So let’s wish lots of luck to each other, Let’s wish kindness and love with no end, Bright and clear echo of the Olympics Will forever be cherished and sang. Farewell to you, Moscow, farewell, Farewell, the Olympic fairy tale, Wish us all the fulfillment of wishes, Wish a new meeting soon to us all. chorus: Friends are coming apart, Tenderness stays in the heart… We shall cherish the song. Farewell, we shall meet again.

Puten!!

Vladimir Mayakovsky, the most famous poet of the Russian revolution, a rare case of an artist who had talent in addition to strong political beliefs, wrote this poem in 1914:

Послушайте!
Ведь, если звезды зажигают -
Значит – это кому-нибудь нужно?
Значит – кто-то хочет, чтобы они были?
Значит – кто-то называет эти плевочки
жемчужиной?

Translation:

Listen!
After all, if someone lights up the stars -
Then – someone needs it?
Then – someone wants them to be?
Then – someone calls those gobs of spit
A pearl?

I read Vladimir Putin’s interview, where he says that it is a “true tragedy” that he is “the only true democrat in the world” and that “since Gandhi had died, there’s no-one to speak to.”

Now i’m not saying that it is especially stupid or wrong; There’s a lot of hypocrisy in the European and the American version of “democracy”, and Putin stings them nicely, accusing the US of alleged torture in Guantanamo and very rightly accusing the EU of double standards in the issues of Kosovo and Transnistria.

Still, it makes me feel uncomfortable. So the only thing i could really think of when i read it was: “After all, if the president of the largest country in the world talks bloody crap, then – someone needs it?”

If you read Russian, see also this story on Vladimir Vladimirovich™ (if you haven’t already).

An Interview With Boris Grebenshikov

I saw interviews with Boris Grebenshikov on TV and read many of them in the press. He always babbles a lot of hardly coherent crap about Buddhism, Jah, Druids, Feng shui, Russian Orthodox Christianity and its wonder-making icons, Harry Potter, higher states of consciousness and the great musical abilities of the new “members” of Aquarium, even though everybody knows that they are just mediocre session players that weren’t even born when BG recorded “Little Big Waterfall” with a handmade amplifier. So, given the amazing opportunity to interview him in person, i prepared a few questions on stuff that really interests me. I mostly wanted to know all the details about Aquarium’s best albums that were recorded in the early 1980′s, when rock music was essentially forbidden in the USSR and recording equipment was impossible to get anywhere.

I was disappointed. He just kept murmuring about his favorite Buddhism stuff and i didn’t understand a word. Plus, midway through the interview i noticed that the minidisc on which i recorded it was write-protected. No big deal – it was completely boring anyway.

The good thing about the whole matter was that i found out that, like me, he doesn’t like to speak seated – he likes to move. So we went for a walk. Then he surprised me even more and proposed to go into the sewer pipes. He promised me that he knows it well. So we went down there.

We walked knee-deep in the water, which was surprisingly clean. He kept babbling, but i didn’t mind, ‘cuz i stopped listening and kept wondering why didn’t i come there earlier. It’s a whole world there underground. Finally it seemed that we have come to a dead end. BG opened another door, which i didn’t even notice, because of the darkness, and then i finally understood what he had in mind.

He brought me all the way to Volga.

As a child i heard a lot about Volga – how it is the greatest Russian river, how much historical events happened around it, how wonderful and clean its waters are, but i’ve never actually been there.

So BG surprised me after all. The most famous Buddhist of Russia didn’t forget his truъ roots. I didn’t even notice how he undressed. I saw him standing there at the opening of the pipe from which water flowed into the great river, half-naked, with Volga in the background and the song from his Russian Album in my head:

Is it Volga in spring or has the Flood just returned?
Or is it the Lord covering his trail?
Well I don’t care at all, I’m almost ready to sing,
From beneath the dark water to tell you my tale.

… He looked thirty years younger than he really is. His long bright hair was waving free. “Don’t be afraid,” he said, “Just follow me” – and jumped in. I followed.

The water was really very clean. Soviet industry couldn’t ruin the great Russian river. A whole lot of water came down from the pipes through which we came. It kept me down and i couldn’t come up for air. I was scared for a moment (Teach us, o Lord, to breathe underwater…), but then found out that i can breathe – the “waterfalls” brought a lot of air bubbles with it. BG swam near me and told me to enjoy. I haven’t seen him any more. I was then that i noticed the two young ladies.

They were naked and they were gorgeous. One of them said – “Underwater sex must be great! I’ll go get Yuri and you can have fun with that guy over there – I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.”

After a few minutes, though, we found out that breathing underwater while making out is too tiring, but we didn’t want to spoil the fun, so i brought her back to my place. When we were getting to the real McCoy, i stopped and said – “OK, let’s be responsible – i’m getting a condom.” Maybe i should have remembered another “Russian Album” song:

She put a finger on my lips
And whispers: “Do what you want,
But be silent, words – they are Death,
They are Death …”
And our bodies will open like doors,
And – up to the sky;
And there, as it is always,
Sunday
And candles, and celebration,
And summer, and laughter
And that which can’t be done …

But i stood up and went to the drawer in which i kept the condoms and began putting one on.

— “Amir! I hate those! Where are the good ones that i like? Forgot them in the car, didn’t you?”

It was only then that i realized that it was Hadar. Good – i’m not cheating on my wife. Bad – i’m not gonna get any today.

At that point the real Hadar woke me up.

P.S. As far as i know, it is not possible to breathe underwater without gills, so don’t try that at home. Moreover, a human being would probably not survive for too long in underground water pipes without proper equipment, but if you still want to try walking knee-deep through underground water pipes, try the Roman aqueduct in Alona.

And on the flat-screen we kill and we’re killed again

My parents left to a vacation in Karlovy Vary. It was planned before the war, so they are not “refugees”. But before he left, my father said:

— “If they bomb our home in Nesher, call us. We’ll fly to Moscow.”

It was a joke, of course.

Still, i can’t escape the thought that that’s just what our enemy wants us to do – to go back to Moscow.

I was born in Moscow and lived there for eleven years. I love that city. I love the Russian language and the Russian culture. I have family and friends there. I can find a job there. But i just can’t think of going to Moscow in terms of “going back”, certainly not in the sense of “going back home”. My home is here.

I had an email discussion about this war with Mira, my pen-pal from United Arab Emirates. She’s a devout Muslim; she’s also very intelligent, and quite modern and liberal and feminist too. She says that Arabs – including herself – support Nasrallah, because everything that he says becomes a fact, while the Israeli government lies all the time. While i can’t accuse my government of excessive honesty, i find it rather disappointing that there are people who openly support someone just because he’s sincere about being a murderer of innocent civilians. The discussions with her put me back in proportion, though – i’m not talking about the numbers, the fact that we killed much more Lebanese than Hizballah killed Israelis, but the fact that something doesn’t make sense in all this.

I mean, seriously – can’t we end it in a few minutes? Don’t we know where those Katyusha’s are shot from? Can’t we just destroy the launchers? Why do we bomb civilians so hardly? Did they really all have launchers in their backyards?

Trouble is, no-one will ever take responsibility. Even if a government commission will list every single failure and human rights violation in this war, the generals and the politicians will keep getting their fat salaries and they will have bodyguards that look like Armani models until the rest of their life. An international court won’t help either – how can anyone trust them when they chase Serb criminals religiously, but don’t dare to touch Saddam, the Assad family or Kim Jong Il?

Someone must be laughing at our naïveté here.