People Speaking – Do

— “No! It can’t be true! What a disgrace. Did you hear who received the Nobel Peace Prize?”

— “No. Who? Abu-Mazen?”

— “No, but the letters are almost the same.”

— “Eh… I don’t know.”

— “Obama.”

— “But what did he do?”

— “Exactly.”

People Speaking – Woman

— “Is it a man or a woman?” (My ten year old niece Dasha seeing the opening sequence of The Ellen DeGeneres Show.)

People Speaking – Programming Perl

— “Hey, what are you doing?! Do you want to program in Perl?” (Hadar, to our cat, when she saw him jumping on her laptop keyboard.)

People Speaking – Give

“… so we did what people do when they don’t understand something—we gave it a name.”

(David Gross at a colloquium in the Technion. Thanks to Hadar for the quote.)

People Speaking – Win

— “I would like to offer you a job developing testing tools. We need someone who has experience in C# and WinForms.”

— “Ehh … OK.”

— “Is it something that can interest you?”

— “Yeah, possibly …”

— “So when can you come to an interview?”

— “Where is it?

— “In Herzliya.”

— “Hmm … Tell me please – is it all Windows?”

— “No … it’s … developing testing tools … We need someone who has experience in C# and WinForms …”

— “Yes, but that sounds like the job is nothing but Windows.”

— “Well … there’s the part of developing testing tools … it’s WinForms.”

— “Yeah, but the ‘Win’ part of ‘WinForms’ means ‘Windows’.”

— “Oh. I see.”

— “And there’s no Linux there? Or Java? Or some special kind of hardware?”

— “No, at least not now.”

— “OK, thanks, but i think that it’s not for me.”

What an amazing feeling it was to say that.

People Speaking – They call it

— “I would like to offer you a job in a young Internet-centric company, that develops tools for searching text in environments such as BitTorrent and eMule … It’s a pretty hot area these days … they call it P2P …“

People Speaking – Beer

— “It’s not beer, it’s Photoshop.”

People Speaking – Milk

— “Are you drinking cold milk? Tomorrow sneezing will start.”

People Speaking – Me-e-e-e-e

— “I wonder – now, with all the fuss about Winograd committee and all that, what can Olmert want? Cause one day, sooner or later, he won’t be a prime minister. Is there still anything that he actually wants?”

— “Mmm … To go to Ame-e-e-e-erica …”

People Speaking – Enough

— “Why is this room so cold!? Why does all the hot air go up? Why doesn’t it go down to me? Am I not attractive enough?”

People Speaking – Better

— “Write the check and go pay the rent.”

— “Oh, why didn’t you remind you me earlier?! I left the checkbook in the car.”

— “I told you yesterday.”

— “Arrrgh! You shouldn’t have said that.”

— “You asked first. You shouldn’t have asked.”

— “A question better not asked is better not answered.”

— “OK, you win.”

People Speaking – Customer

Someone called my cellphone from the 04 area code, which is Northern Israel. An elderly-sounding man spoke:

— “Hello! Are you Amir?”

— “Yes.”

— “Hello! This is Moshe! Do you know Moshe?”

— “No, i don’t think so…”

— “I am Moshe!”

— “I see …”

— “I am Moshe! I am Moshe, G.’s father.”

OK, i do know G., whose full name shall remain private.

— “Oh, hello. It’s good to talk to you.”

— “How are you?”

— “I’m fine, thanks.”

— “Can you help me?”

— “Ehh … I hope that i can. How can i help you?”

— “The remotes … they don’t work. We need to change them. Can you change them?”

— “What??”

— “The remotes, they don’t work.”

— “The TV remote controls??”

— “Yes, remotes for TV. They don’t work. They told us that we have to change them in the post office, but we have to pay 35 shekels. I want you to change them.”

— “But …”

— “… And also, we weren’t at home for two months, when the war was going on, and we didn’t watch TV, so we don’t want to pay for that time.”

— “Eh … you are talking about cable or satellite TV, right?”

— “What? We need to change the remote controls, they don’t work, can you change them?”

— “OK, let me understand – you have a problem with the remote controls for your satellite TV?”

— “What satellite? I don’t have satellite, i have YES.”

YES is the only satellite TV company in Israel. This conversation shows that they have a very strong brand – people know that they have YES, and some of them don’t even realize that it has something to do with satellites and dishes and all that. YES also do business with the company in which i work. I guess that’s the reason G. or his father Moshe made some connection between me and the problems with their satellite TV. Or maybe not …

— “Sorry, Moshe, i think that you are confused – you see, i work in a company that is related to the television business, but i can’t help you with the problems that you have with YES. You need to talk to YES.”

— “But my remotes … they don’t work … I need to replace them. Can’t you replace them?”

It nearly made me cry.

— “No, i don’t have anything to do with it. You need to talk to the customer service of the company called YES.”

— “But didn’t you sell us YES?”

— “No.”

— “Didn’t you come to our house and make us sign the contract with YES?”

— “No. I didn’t do that. I don’t work for YES.”

— “But you worked for YES once, didn’t you?”

— “No, i never worked for YES. Sorry. You’ll have to talk to them. I wish i could help you.”

I really wish i could help him. Poor guy. But he doesn’t give up easily.

— “You see, i need to replace the remotes for my TV, they don’t work and they told us to go to the post office to replace them.”

— “OK, so you probably should do that or maybe talk to YES one more time if there is some problem. I can’t help you.”

— “And you don’t work for YES?”

— “No.”

— “Really? Aren’t you Yaniv’s brother?”

What??

— “No, i am not Yaniv’s brother.”

— “And you don’t work in YES?”

— “No.”

— “Are you sure that you are not Yaniv’s brother?”

— “Yes, i am definitely not Yaniv’s brother.”

— “And can you give me Yaniv’s phone number?”

— “No. Sorry. I don’t know Yaniv.”

— “Oh, i see.”

— “Sorry i couldn’t help you. Say hello to G. from me.”

— “OK. Thank you.”

Hadar told me that it was very nice on my behalf to talk to him at all.

People Speaking – Documentary

— “Do you have a secure room in your house?”

— “No, i don’t think so.”

— “It’s the room with the window that can be shut with a metal door.”

— “No, i don’t have it.”

— “Because I heard that it is very dangerous to use it as a living or sleeping room.”

— “OK, mama, i don’t have such a room, so i probably won’t use it like that.”

— “Do you know why? I saw a documentary about it on the television. It is because these rooms are built with a kind of concrete that emits toxic gases and it suffocates you if you are there for more than a few hours. It is fine to sit there and do some homework for a couple of hours, but not any more …”

— “But why are you telling all that? I don’t have such a room, so it is completely irrelevant.”

— “… and it is especially dangerous in Jerusalem, because the soil in Jerusalem emits other gases which mix with the ones from the concrete and are even more dangerous.”

— “So what?”

— “What so what? It is very dangerous and I am telling you that, because you live in Jerusalem. There was also a high school there and they had to rebuild it …”

— “But mama, i finished high school nine years ago and i don’t have a secure room in my house.”

— “OK. What else can you tell me? Do you still do music?”

— “Yes.”

— “How do you do music?”

— “I go to a rehearsal room with my friends and play.”

— “And what kind of songs?”

— “All kinds.”

— “Oh, OK. And do you sing?”

— “No, not really, i can’t sing at all.”

— “Why do you say that? You sing very well, better than anyone in the world. You must sing.”

— “If you say so, mama.”

— “That’s right, you sing better than anyone-anyone-anyone in the world.”

Oh mama.

People Speaking – Fairy

— “Sorry, I couldn’t call you back after one minute as I promised, because I went up to the office and that M. was sitting there talking on the phone for a really long time, and talking and talking and talking and yawning all the time as if someone was telling him a children’s fairy tale. Stupid asshole.”

People Speaking – Spoon

— “In Ethiopia it is considered polite to feed your guest.”

— “What, to actually put the spoon in his mouth??”

— “No, no. In Ethiopia they eat with their hands.”

People Speaking – Mmm …

— “Did I lock?”

— “Yes.”

— “Really?”

— “Mmm … No.”

People Speaking – Pick

— “Why are you turning right? You should go on straight ahead.”

— “Oh, i though that the gas station is to the right. But hey, there are girls to the right.”

— “Oh yeah! Hot teen age hitchhikers! It’s great that they are hitchhiking in the middle of the night – we can pick them up, rape them and through them away in a ditch by the road. Why not?”

People Speaking – Box

— “There is a difference between me and you.”

— “What is it?”

— “I would have never done that.”

— “What?”

— “You touched the rag. Then you touched the food and put it in the fridge.”

— “I didn’t touch the food. I only touched the box it was in.”

— “You touched the food.”

— “Do you still love me?”

— “It’s hard, it’s hard … I’m thinking about all the times you did it and I didn’t know …”

People Speaking – Not Me

— “Why aren’t you speaking? What do you think of this food?”

— “I am immobile. I can’t do anything, I can’t speak and I can’t move, because it’s too hot. It’s too hot, because the air conditioning isn’t working. Actually I dreamt a few days ago – such things actually happen sometimes! – I dreamt that I was tasting this food and it was too hot and the air conditioning didn’t work and I couldn’t move. In sleep I really can’t move, so I guess that it makes sense.”

I couldn’t believe that it wasn’t me saying it.

People Speaking – Let

— “Did you go to sleep?”

— “No. Let me sleep.”

People Speaking – Two Kinds

— “Is this thing made in China?”

— “Yes. That’s the problem. There were two kinds of those and I wanted to pick the one that isn’t made in China, but there was none.”

People Speaking – Tired

— “Why aren’t you going to sleep?”

— “Because I’m tired.”

People Speaking – Sixth

— “Can’t you see it? We’re in the last seven years before the coming of the Messiah. Now it’s already the sixth, which according to the prophecy in the Talmud, is the year of the voices. Next year is the seventh, which is the year of the wars.”

— “So you basically say that the wars has just begun and we ain’t seen nothing yet?”

— “Oh, yes, of course. There’s gonna be the war of Gog and Magog. The great nation of Gog from the north will come and fight us with many many soldiers. Read it, it’s in Ezekiel. And in the end The Holy [G-d], Blessed Be His Name, will win. It is written that it will take six months just to bury them. Do you imagine that? You’ll gonna go in a field and you’ll see someone dead, you’ll stop for a minute, bury him and then go on. And it’s gonna be like that for six months straight. Next year.”

Here’s the relevant Ezekiel (38-39) – actually it says seven months. And if you read Hebrew, here’s the relevant Talmud passage – Derech Eretz Zuta 10. After listing the seven years it goes on to this very convincing passage:

“R’ Gamliel says: The generation in which the son of David [the Messiah] comes – the house of gathering will be that of prostitution, the Galilee will be destroyed, and the people of Galilee will go from town to town and won’t find consolation, and the wisdom of the writers will stink, and those who fear sin will be loathed, the face of the generation as a face of a dog, and the truth is absent and he who avoids wickedness is going crazy.”