Archive for November, 2006

Slower than a motivated cheetah

In July of 2005, one citizen of the fine city of Sderot spoke to Maariv after a Kassam rocket landed near his house. This is what he said: “Carrying out the disengagement will nullify the motivation to fire Kassam rockets.”

His name is Amir Peretz and today he is the minister of defense. Israel is supposed to be a democracy, and therefore i am supposed to be his boss. I would like to fire him, but i can’t. That’s why i think that Israel is not really a democracy.

URGENT FUND TRANSFER.. YOUR ACTION REQUIRED

I received a message on MySpace (spelling mistakes kept, names abbreviated with ‘):

Hello,
this may sound a bit strange, but I was wondering if you are related to A’ Aharoni from Natanya? If you are, I have been trying to find he and his wife as my husband passed from this life owing them money, and I am trying to settle the debt. It has been troubling me for several years now. They would have known me by S’ P’, my husbands name was D. A. was a musician and his wife was studying to be a teacher I believe I think the spelling of her name is R’. If you could be of any assistance, I would greatly appreciate it.
Shalom
S.

I wonder whether it is a true story of sadness and honesty or an Israeli version of Nigerian spam.

People Speaking – Documentary

— “Do you have a secure room in your house?”

— “No, i don’t think so.”

— “It’s the room with the window that can be shut with a metal door.”

— “No, i don’t have it.”

— “Because I heard that it is very dangerous to use it as a living or sleeping room.”

— “OK, mama, i don’t have such a room, so i probably won’t use it like that.”

— “Do you know why? I saw a documentary about it on the television. It is because these rooms are built with a kind of concrete that emits toxic gases and it suffocates you if you are there for more than a few hours. It is fine to sit there and do some homework for a couple of hours, but not any more …”

— “But why are you telling all that? I don’t have such a room, so it is completely irrelevant.”

— “… and it is especially dangerous in Jerusalem, because the soil in Jerusalem emits other gases which mix with the ones from the concrete and are even more dangerous.”

— “So what?”

— “What so what? It is very dangerous and I am telling you that, because you live in Jerusalem. There was also a high school there and they had to rebuild it …”

— “But mama, i finished high school nine years ago and i don’t have a secure room in my house.”

— “OK. What else can you tell me? Do you still do music?”

— “Yes.”

— “How do you do music?”

— “I go to a rehearsal room with my friends and play.”

— “And what kind of songs?”

— “All kinds.”

— “Oh, OK. And do you sing?”

— “No, not really, i can’t sing at all.”

— “Why do you say that? You sing very well, better than anyone in the world. You must sing.”

— “If you say so, mama.”

— “That’s right, you sing better than anyone-anyone-anyone in the world.”

Oh mama.

People Speaking – Fairy

— “Sorry, I couldn’t call you back after one minute as I promised, because I went up to the office and that M. was sitting there talking on the phone for a really long time, and talking and talking and talking and yawning all the time as if someone was telling him a children’s fairy tale. Stupid asshole.”

¡Hoja!

This semester i finally started studying two very important languages. No, not Armenian and Irish – i’m talking about Spanish and Arabic.

Spanish is in huge demand. In fact, i’m still not officially signed up for the course. It is given in five different groups, each with its own days and hours, there’s only one that fits me and technically it is full, but the teacher agreed to accept me. This group has sixty students and it is only one of five. I’ll have to go through some more bureaucratic hoops to get an official grade too.

Our Spanish teacher gave us homework for yesterday. I didn’t do it, of course. No-one was really sure whether to hand it in. At the end of the lesson one female student asked loudly: “Do we have to hand in the homework?”, to which i immediately replied: “Shhhhhh!” Then someone told me quietly: “You should forgive her, she is an atudait.”

If you are not Israeli, this requires an explanation. Atudai (עתודאי, f. -it, pl. -im) is someone who is allowed to complete an academic degree before he is drafted to IDF service. So it means that she a). is a geek and b). hasn’t been in the army yet and hence she doesn’t know what a “kit bag question” is. In IDF slang, a “kit bag question” is a question better not asked, because the reply can be positive. It originates at a very common story – the commander tells the unit to run and some stupid soldier asks – “With the kit bag or without the kit bag?” The reply is obvious. This story is very famous, but when i was at tironut (boot camp) someone actually asked this exact question.

Another Hebrew saying goes: “Suckers never die.”

People Speaking – Spoon

— “In Ethiopia it is considered polite to feed your guest.”

— “What, to actually put the spoon in his mouth??”

— “No, no. In Ethiopia they eat with their hands.”

Plate

OK, i’m taking this risk and changing the template to some Blogger-beta pre-designed Web 2.0-AJAX-dynamagic thing. All the fun links and gif’s on the sidebar around will be updated some time soon. Here we go.

One man come

What do i have to write about the pride parade in Jerusalem?

Nothing much.

I think that those parades are kinda pointless, especially in Israel, because in practice gay rights in Israel are in a pretty good shape compared to the rest of the world. And so is the general public tolerance. It’s legal to have sex with anyone you want and same-sex civil unions are not defined in law, but they are defined well enough in court precedents, and that’s what counts. On the Hebrew Wikipedia they pretty much rule. Those who think that they don’t yet rule in Jerusalem are quite wrong.

But i don’t mind. Let them march if they think that it’s fun. I pity those who violently oppose it – they should find something better to do.

Plus, it was on the previous pride parade in Jerusalem that Hadar finally decided to go veg after i talked about it with her for years, so something good came out of it for me.

Tea Packs

Throughout the whole day i’m having an urge to drink a bottle of correction fluid that stands on my table.

I hid it in a drawer, but the thought just wouldn’t go away.

A sip of Jack Daniels helped.

Made Me Cry – Matt

I am a basket case Internet junkie, but more often than not it takes a while until email fads reach me.

This one finally did.

I mean OK – i cry at greatness. And i love his dance (i should have been more prudent at filming myself jumping on beds in hotels.)

But the music! The music! Reminded me of the best moments of Go Home Productions. And Dancer in the Dark too.

Just made me cry.


Oh (edit): Stupid, stupid – i know what it really reminded me of. Cocteau Twins’ “Lorelei”. The song to which Hadar and me walked to the hupa. Videos will be uploaded Real Soon Now.



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